One word: weary. That's how I feel right now.
For the entire past six months, I have spent my time filling out more college applications than you would believe. Yeah, tons. With each new college I would come to, I would always think, maybe this is the one, and picture myself spending the next four years on the beautiful campus.
Well, I haven't found one yet.
After months and months of searching and hoping, I'm kind of burned out. It's not that I'm tired of filling out applications; it's that I'm tired of not knowing. This next huge season of my life is looming ahead of me, and I have no idea where I'll be spending it.
I am a planner. And planners like to know things in advance. That's the problem. I don't know anything in advance right now. Everything is so uncertain, sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy inside.
And now I've exhausted myself.... because I kept trying to create a path that wasn't meant to be there. I kept trying to make everything to line up perfectly so that my life destination would be crystal clear. And while I kept trying to plan my own way, God kept directing my steps elsewhere.
After all of this searching, then planning, then burning out, I've noticed something odd about myself. Now that my efforts to figure out my future have failed, I've started spending my time on things that I don't really want to spend my time on. I'm struggling with priorities and productivity. It's almost as if since I can't know my future, then I turn to distractions in life to keep my mind off the fact that I still don't know. These distractions keep me from thinking about the uncertainties I've failed to resolve. I've gone from trying to do everything, to doing almost nothing at all.
Deep down inside, I think I've excused myself, saying that I'm simply trusting God and leaving the outcome up to Him. I tried and failed to do it myself, so I'm done. If God has a plan for my future, then it's up to Him now to bring it along.
Of course, it's absolutely true that God has a plan for me, that nothing in my life happens outside of His sovereignty. (We ALL know that.) However, I don't think that's an excuse for not doing anything.
The Christian life isn't a passive game.
It's a battle.
And as soon as I realize that God's sovereignty is no excuse for resignation, I will begin to see that God's plan is so much bigger than the next four years of my life. In the span of eternity, my college decision is marginal. God's purpose in my life isn't that I find the ultimate university, it's that His name be magnified in my life.
I'm in a full-fledged battle, and God expects me to fight. There is victory in Christ alone, but it's my responsibility to engage in the war. Day by day, I must lay down my life, pick up my cross, and follow Christ. Even if I can't see where He's leading me.
Even when I'm weary.