even when i'm weary

One word: weary. That's how I feel right now. 

For the entire past six months, I have spent my time filling out more college applications than you would believe. Yeah, tons. With each new college I would come to, I would always think, maybe this is the one, and picture myself spending the next four years on the beautiful campus.

Well, I haven't found one yet.

After months and months of searching and hoping, I'm kind of burned out. It's not that I'm tired of filling out applications; it's that I'm tired of not knowing. This next huge season of my life is looming ahead of me, and I have no idea where I'll be spending it. 

I am a planner. And planners like to know things in advance. That's the problem. I don't know anything in advance right now. Everything is so uncertain, sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy inside.

And now I've exhausted myself.... because I kept trying to create a path that wasn't meant to be there. I kept trying to make everything to line up perfectly so that my life destination would be crystal clear. And while I kept trying to plan my own way, God kept directing my steps elsewhere.

After all of this searching, then planning, then burning out, I've noticed something odd about myself. Now that my efforts to figure out my future have failed, I've started spending my time on things that I don't really want to spend my time on. I'm struggling with priorities and productivity. It's almost as if since I can't know my future, then I turn to distractions in life to keep my mind off the fact that I still don't know. These distractions keep me from thinking about the uncertainties I've failed to resolve. I've gone from trying to do everything, to doing almost nothing at all.

Deep down inside, I think I've excused myself, saying that I'm simply trusting God and leaving the outcome up to Him. I tried and failed to do it myself, so I'm done. If God has a plan for my future, then it's up to Him now to bring it along.

Of course, it's absolutely true that God has a plan for me, that nothing in my life happens outside of His sovereignty. (We ALL know that.) However, I don't think that's an excuse for not doing anything. 

The Christian life isn't a passive game.

It's a battle.

And as soon as I realize that God's sovereignty is no excuse for resignation, I will begin to see that God's plan is so much bigger than the next four years of my life. In the span of eternity, my college decision is marginal. God's purpose in my life isn't that I find the ultimate university, it's that His name be magnified in my life.

I'm in a full-fledged battle, and God expects me to fight. There is victory in Christ alone, but it's my responsibility to engage in the war. Day by day, I must lay down my life, pick up my cross, and follow Christ. Even if I can't see where He's leading me.

Even when I'm weary.

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Time and Twenty-Twelve

It never speeds up. It never slows down. Time is constant: steadily constraining our lives in this world, yet unceasingly bringing us closer to the end.


To us, time is just a measurement—it passes in minutes, hours, days, and years; but we live day to day subconscious of its passing. To us, time is eternal—it's all we have ever known; but we don't often think about the fact that we are only given a short allotment of it. Forgetting its brevity, we readily spend our time on meaninglessness pastimes, using it on whatever seems best at the moment. But are our lives to be spent away moment by moment? Will we use our time with a "present" purpose only? When we live for the "here and now," we forget that time had a beginning, and it will one day have an end. We forget that time is precious.


Of course, it's much more pleasant to live as if we had "all the time in the world." We dream; we scheme; we plan our lives away because we don't want to admit that we have no control over our lives at all. Yet, we are surprised when things don't work out like we'd planned them; we complain when we don't have "enough" time. Although time never changes, it always seems to "fly by" faster than we expected it to.


Time is temporary, limited to this earth. Even so, it is so easy to view our lives in the span and sequence of time alone. We see our past as years gone by and our futures as simply more years to come. It's the mentality of "this year is gone and over, but—hey!—I'll have next year!" But God says, "You do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes" (James 4:14). We can't count on tomorrow, or next week, or next year. 


But, what if our lives were about more than...our lives? What if we were created for a greater purpose that totally exceeds the boundaries of time? What if the little bit of time we have could have eternal significance?


I want to challenge you (and myself!) to view this new year like you've never viewed it before. Although there's nothing wrong with New Year's resolutions (in fact, they're great), I don't want to get so caught up with "right now" that I completely miss the eternal perspective on my life. Today is more than today. Next year is more than next year. Our lives were created to have an eternal impact!


So let's make our resolutions; let's look forward to a fresh start. But let's keep in mind that 2012 is more than eating right, reading more books, getting better grades, losing weight, or whatever resolutions you may have. 2012 is a year of purpose. God put you in this world in this decade for a purpose! Let's use our time on stuff that really matters, on things that will count in the end. 


If your life purpose exceeds the limitations of time, then it doesn't matter when it ends. What matters is how it counts.

Lord, teach me to number my days,

That I may gain a heart of wisdom.

Psalm 90:12

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The Problem of Priorities

I'm pretty sure this has been the busiest year of my life thus far. My schedule feels full to the top (but probably not compared to the lady in the picture, haha)! Needless to say, my time with God has unfortunately fallen to the back-burner. It's not that I don't do it, it's just that I feel rushed. Have you ever felt so busy that you rush your time with God?

I justify my snappy "quiet time" by saying that once this year is over I'll have more time to devote to God. But is that really true? If I'm honest with myself, I'll admit that life will always be busy. But I have to develop the habit of sacrificing my time in order to spend it with God. If prayer and Bible are a priority in my life, I'll make time for them, no matter how busy I am.

This is one area that God has convicted me of: I need to be still before the Lord. Not rushing to get going on all my work, not worrying about the day, but still. "Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him" (Psalm 37:7).

So I have to ask myself, What are my priorities and what do I spend the most time doing? Am I willing to give up "my" time to sit still in God's presence? Would I give up extra sleep, facebook time, watching that TV show, time with friends, etc.? My desire is to make God a priority in my life - but it's easier said than done.

Yes, the modern lifestyle is one of business. But I want God to be my priority in the midst of it. What are some ways that you make God and His Word a priority in your life? What are some things you've had to sacrifice in order to spend time with God?